moving on

berapa banyak hari dan bulan yang sudah terlewat semenjak hari dimana gw ngerasain broken heart? it's been 5 months and i still not over him..

why makes him so special? what makes me so hard to forget him? and why he always on my mind and my heart after all the things he had done to me? 

until today, my tears still running down my face every time i'm thinking about him. God i miss him, i really do. in fact, i still like him, adore him, love him. i still looking up his facebook and twitter, searching if there any new photos of him, and the more i saw his pic, the more i miss him, and for me he's the most handsome man ever. but i'm also really mad at him, every time i saw his twitter and everything that he said to his new girlfriend something about love.. so mad at him that if i meet him i can shout at his face, and ask him how could he? how could he do this to me? after everything that i gave to him, my heart, my soul, my feelings.  

“Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. That pain is like an axe that chops at my heart.” - Life of Pi

until now, i'm still wondering.. i feel the love was so perfect but why it has to end up so badly? i know he's a jerk, and i definitely know he's also an asshole. then why i still can't forget him? why am i still comparing another man to him. i still feel like he's the one for, the perfect one. nobody like him. the way he walks, the way he smile, the way he touch me with his fifth finger, the way he promised me lot of things but he can't fulfilled them himself. these are the reasons that i still can't open up my heart to another man. the feeling that i'm afraid to get broken heart again, and no one like him.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, He gave me rest. Then He gave me a sign to continue my journey." - Life of Pi

i know God still loves me, He always be there for me no matter what. but i just can't stand anymore with this pain, the pain that i'm so deep in love with him but he just abandoned me for some unacceptable reasons. i miss him so much but i don't know what to say, what to do.. i'm afraid that if can't ever open up my heart to anyone, i will no longer have feelings, i will no longer feel love anymore... i'm so afraid that one day all that i can believe is that all men are jerks. i know i have to move on, i just hope time can heals this pain, that one day i can find a man who loves me with all his heart, will sacrifice everything just for me, will do anything just for me, will try everything to makes me happy and won't let me cry. i know he's there somewhere. i guess all i can do is just wait..

I'm lost

happy late new year 2013 and Chinese new year people.

do you want to know how's things going on with me lately? well, i really have to say that i'm lost, totally.

on January 3rd, my family just found out that my dad got stroke and he is not able to do anything with the left side of his body like his left arm and leg.

of course everybody in the house has the panic attack.

i really love my dad, i really do.

i even thanked God that it all happens when i'm having semester break for 2 months. so i'm be able to help my mom to take care dad.

but, everything's change when i knew my dad is cheating with another woman.

gw ga tau siapa cewe itu dan dimana bokap ketemu dia. bahkan yang pertama kali tau adalah nyokap karena dia lihat ada sms, sedangkan bokap lagi sakit ga bisa hapus-hapus apa yang selama ini dia sembunyikan. memang sepandai-pandainya mayat disimpan, akhirnya kecium juga baunya.

at first i still don't want to believe if my dad cheats. tapi setelah gw liat sms itu, mata gw baru terbuka. gw ga nyangka kenapa bokap gw bisa melakukan perbuatan sehina itu, mengkhianati istri dan anak-anaknya sendiri. tapi melihat nyokap gw yang tetep telaten ngurusin bokap, mau ga mau gw tetep harus bantuin nyokap.

dari yang awal nyokap gw ga kerja dan dampingin bokap karena bokap belom bisa ngapa-ngapain, bokap kelihatan patuh dan dengerin semua yang nyokap ngomong. sampe akhirnya bokap udah bisa sedikit mandiri, nyokap harus pergi ke kantor dan tinggalah gw sendiri jagain bokap. dari situlah gw tau semuanya.

kemarin bokap ga biasanya nutup pintu kamar, dan gw tau dari cara ngomongnya dia telpon cewe itu. bilang ke cewe itu kalo sementara ini jangan telpon ke hp nya dulu karena sering dipegang sama nyokap. dan gw tau bokap punya rahasia lain karena tadi dia telpon entah ke siapa dan bilang kalo jangan telpon atau sms apa-apa dulu ke dia.  

what kind of father and husband is he???

dia karena sakit stroke ini setiap ketemu orang malu, selalu bilang ke semua orang kalo dia ga pernah berbuat jahat ke orang lain kenapa dia yang harus kena penyakit ini? everytime he said that, gw pengen banget teriak semua ke depan mukanya. i have no respect for him anymore and i feel so sorry for my mom. i'm the only one who know about this and i'm too afraid to tell mom. takut apa yang akan terjadi kalo gw bilang ke nyokap, tapi gw juga ga bisa kalo diam aja begini.

now i have to take care of him. gw lebih banyak diam tapi dia lebih banyak maunya. sekarang ini otaknya udah mulai pikun untuk urusan sepele seperti waku, baju, mandi, obat, makanan, dsb. tapi hal sepele itu yang terus diributin dan bener-bener mengganggu gw. kerjaannya marah-marah terus kalo apa yang dia mau ga bisa dipenuhin padahal yang dia mau sangat ga masuk akal. bener-bener egois. tapi kalo untuk urusan rahasia yang dia pendam, dia sama sekali ga pikun. gw bener-bener menyesal punya bapak seperti dia.

men will always be men huh? they always lie, they always cheat, and they only promise and promise. and we, the women, always forgive them for everything he had done to us. life is so unfair. and now, i don't know what to do about his sin. God i hate that guy! this is just the worst way to start new year.

i'm lost.