blind date.

it's been really really long time since i have that blind date with that jerk 2 years ago.
well, i guess i experienced it again yesterday..

itu semua bermula ketika gw iseng-iseng bikin accout di www.match.com. itu kayak website khusus buat cari jodoh yang gw tau setelah nonton talkshownya Ellen Degenerez. well, pas gw bikin, it has no fun at all, gw ga buka lagi itu web.. until someone chat me on facebook. he found me through that match.com. sebut saja namanya Rio.

at first, gw cuekkin. gw pikir orang iseng, ga jelas blablabla. tapi dia chat terus dan setelah gw liat profilenya, he kinda has good background. so i replied him.

pertama dia ajak chat trus ajak ketemuan. dan gw agak sedikit takut karena ini bener-bener pertama kalinya gw kenalan sama orang dunia maya yang ngajak ketemuan, gw kayak parno kalo denger orang cerita yang aneh2. so, gw ga gubris pertanyaan dia yang ngajak ketemuan itu. after that, kita kayak intens 2 hari chat2an.
alhasil, gw penasaran juga and we decided to meet up.

karena ini super random, gw honestly ga deg-degan. i don't have any butterflies in my stomach. ga kayak waktu gw pertama kali ketemu that jerk 2 tahun yang lalu. kali ini gw bener-bener santai banget, ketemuan juga di tempat yang rame jadi i'm not so afraid.

my first impression when i saw him, dia beda banget sama fotonya. i mean, di foto itu dia keliatan tua banget gayanya dan gw maklum karena dia beda 7 tahun sama gw. oh ya! perbedaan umur juga yang bikin gw penasaran buat ketemu dia. tapi setelah lihat aslinya, ternyata he's not so bad. dia pake kemeja garis-garis, mukanya oke meskipun bukan tipe gw. tingginya standard meskipun dia ga termaksud tinggi tapi so far he's still ok.

begitu ketemu kita salaman trus keliling mall ga jelas sampai akhirnya dinner di fishnco. gw cenderung pendiam banget karena honestly i don't know what to say and he is the one who do all the talking. he asked me this and that, telling me his own story, sampe akhirnya gw udah mulai bisa cari topik. but still i feel really strange, kenapa gw ga nervous sama sekali?

dari situ, gw tau kalo dia dari kecil disekolahin di singapore, lulus langsung bikin usaha di indo. he can speak in 4 languages which are indo, chinese, english and khek. after knowing that, the only thing that came through my mind is i think my mom will like this guy...

tapi kita juga banyak perbedaan... i know he doesn't like the kind of music and movie genre like i do. dan dia jelas jelas bukan orang yang bisa diajak pergi sampe malem, sedangkan gw seneng banget pergi sampe malem.

but i must admit that he's a gentleman. setelah makan, gw tanya bagian gw brp duit, he told me 100rb. gw bukannya matre tapi agak kecewa juga karena dia ga mau bayarin gw. so i grabbed my walet and took out some money. tapi abis gitu dia ragu trus bilang next time aj gw traktir dia. and i don't know what does it means. after that, dia willingly to take me to my car, which is another plus point for him.

in the car, i do have a lot of thinking. gw sama sekali ga merasa berbunga-bunga setelah ketemu dia. gw ga senyum-senyum sendiri dan perasaan gw bener2 datar. he did text me and then he went to sleep. he said goodnight but i don't reply back.

and i think i'm right. it's the right thing for me to not having to much hope. karena dia hari ini sama sekali ga sms gw atau apapun. i guess dia ga interest sama gw at all. it's a little bit disappointed though. tapi ya what can i say, mungkin nyokap gw bisa suka kalo gw pacaran sama dia, tapi mungkin gw nya yang ga sreg.

anyway, that was my new experience. and i think 2014 so far so good. i hope it is a good sign for me.

2014.

Today is the very first day of 2014. The day I write my first page of 365 pages.
I always want to spend new year with lots and lots joys and happiness. But I guess I have to start this new year with tears.

Remember about the story of my dad?
well, it's been 1 year since he got that stroke. and yesterday, after he blamed our driver because he got that disease, he blamed me. he blamed everything on me.

my reaction after heard his thoughts?
i slam my car door really hard. i dont care anymore about him.
everything about him always make me sick.
did i cry? yeah.
i totally regret for having a father like him.
i dont care anymore if everyone sees me cry. i want everybody to know that he's a jerk.

and today, my mom received a message from my driver that he doesnt want to work anymore.
see! dia selalu bikin kita semua susah.
bikin nyokap susah, bikin gw ga bisa jalanin hidup yang normal and i'm sick of it!
kemana mana mau naik taksi lah.. i cant stand to live with an adult that act like a child.
kadang gw suka berpikir jahat, andai dia terlalu terlambat pas kena stroke dan ga selamat...
mungkin kehidupan gw nyokap sama dede ga akan sesusah ini....
and because of yesterday incident, i really wish that he can go to hell.
bilang gw durhaka? terserah, gw udah ga peduli sama pendapat orang. gw udah terlalu muak sama orang itu.
i even ashamed to call him father.

i also tell my mom kalo temen gw yang udah lulus kuliah sekarang udah kerja.
and i regret it telling that kind of story to her.
she said if i go to singapore, dia udh bisa pensiun.
i know i love her more than anything. tapi pernyataan kayak gitu bikin nambah beban buat gw.
next time, gw harus hati2 kalo mau cerita ini itu ke nyokap..

my 2014 resolution?
1. i really should get a boyfriend.
2. make my mom happy
3. i just want to be happy.

2013 has been a tough year for me. i've learned about responsibility. there are lots of tears, laughter, joys, hates and loves. i've learned how to face brokenheart, handle my emotion, pretend that i'm strong. the point is, i've learnt a lot.
i should say thank you 2013. it was a great year. i hope 2014 will be a much better year for me.

I hope.