...

I actually don't know what to say..
met him on dating app called Tinder.
first date turned into second date, third, fourth and fifth.
I remember every single date until last night, the unexpected happened to me.
never face that kind of situation, but somehow, I'm happy..

I knew him for almost 3 months.
selama itu kita selalu date di mall, watching movies and dinner date.
sampe date ke 3, he held my hand in funny ways, i still remember every details.
the drama when i told my mom about him, yg bahkan blm jadian aja udh drama..

3 bulan kenal total ketemu cuma 5 kali,
i thought, ini orang serius apa engga, kenapa gw ngerasa jalan di tempat ga maju ga mundur..
until last night..

kita date seperti biasa di puri mall,
karena gw pikir dia jauh klo jmpt gw dulu bulak balik, gw pergi sendiri ngegrab.
selama nonton dan makan ngobrol biasa, dia curi2 pegang tangan sebentar.
sampe akhirnya dia nganter pulang sampe depan rumah gw dan gw siap2 untuk turun..

him: jangan turun dulu dong gw mau ngomong
me: hah? ngomong apa sih?
him: jadi kita kapan pergi lagi?
me: lah ga tau kan lu yang kerjaa, apa sih aneh ah
him: mmmm intinya gw cuma mau bilang gw suka sama lu

the he held my hand, the way i like it jari2nya ada di sela jari gw.

him: gw suka sama lu, gw harus bilang sekarang karena kita kalo jalan bbrp kali ga maju2 percuma aja. lu tau gw pengen bgt pegang tangan lu kek gini tapi gw ga tau reaksi lu gimana. gw suka sama kepribadian lu, dari kita chatting terus..
him: jangan diem dong, lu ada yg mau lu omongin ga?
me: yaa gw juga nyaman, cuma gw blom melihat jelek2nya lu
him: jelek2 kan bisa ketauan sambil kita jalan, gw tuh pengen gw yg jmpt lu tiap kita pergi kek hari ini lu bilang lu mau naik grab yauda, tapi gw pengen gw yg jemput lu. next kalo kita jalan gw pengen kita pergi ke tempat lain bukan mall doang.. gw ga mau kita cuma ttm aja krn gw tau lu pernah digituin.. next kalo kita pergi, can i hold your hand like this?

gw cuma bisa ngangguk.
yang gw rasain jantung gw mau copot deg-degan pake banget, i'm lost of words ga tau hrs ngomong apa karena gw ngerasa gw udah denger yg gw mau denger.

him: tapi gw harus bilang gw bukan cowo yang romantis, lu kalo suka cowo yg romantis gw ga bisa tapi gw akan berusaha. gw ngom gini sama lu aja di mobil.

actually, gw ga peduli dia romantis atau engga. romantis is a plus tapi gw ga pernah expect org untuk romantis ke gw. dan gw masih deg2an bgt, selama dia ngom tangan gw dipegang terus sambil dielus-elus. then the unexpected happens, he kissed my cheek, twice.

him: gw cium pipi ya

not waiting for my answer at all, pipi gw udah dicium.
and my reaction? gw reflect jauhin badan gw.
i was shocked. i want it but it was unexpected and it just reflects. the only action that i regret doing it.
mungkin dia jg ga nyangka sama reaksi gw, and suddenly gw cuma diem ga tau mau ngom apa..

him: lu ga marah kan?
me: engga kok
him: abis lu tiba2 diem, kaget ya?
me: lumayan
him: jangan marah yaa, gw sayang bgt sama lu (he put his forehead on my shoulder while saying it). next klo kita pergi gw boleh ya pegang tangan lu?
me: boleh.

i got butterflies, no, whole damn zoo in my stomach.
sampe kamar gw cuma bisa tiduran sambil mencerna apa yg baru terjadi.
i can't stop touching my cheek, remembering how it feels when he held my hand, puter ulang di otak gw kejadian di mobil tadi.
mau tidur ga bisa, udah tidur ga nyenyak,
gw kebangun bangun tengah malem dan yg gw inget adalah kejadian di mobil..
i never felt like this before, and never been in this situation.
even until now, i'm still doing the same..

i've been on blind dates so many times, meskipun gw berpikir selama date dengan org yg berbeda gw ngerasa it goes so well, tapi nyatanya with them ga pernah berlanjut ke next date, itulah kenapa i never expect too much because i know once you put your hope so high, you get broken heart. because reality sucks.

but now, i can't wait for our next date.

Mr. Bakpao

had my second date with him last night.
i have to admit, at first i'm not that excited.
i do want to meet him again, but i don't have the heart-goes-boom-boom feeling.

sebelum ketemu dia, gw pergi ke belitung liburan sama temen-temen,
dia juga ke cirebon pergi ama temennya, so we decided to meet each other after the vacation.
yes, i do thinking about him while vacationing, even buy him oleh-oleh khas belitung without hoping that he would buy something for me from cirebon.

until we decided to met yesterday.
as usual, i'm being myself again.
i wearing glasses instead contact lens.
gw ga pernah se simple ini ketika akan ngedate.

there we go,
we met at central park, and i brought my snacks for him.
he asked, ''what's that?"
and i said, "for you, from belitung."
then he gave me something from cirebon.
emang dasar cowo ga bisa milih oleh-oleh, i take a look and laughed inside. because this is something that i will not buy. hahaha. he gave me this sweet snack that turns out to be very sour, and a big bottle of syrup.

so we had dinner, i open the snack, he tried and i tried, and we both don't like it hahahahaha.
i was laughing out loud, and i just looked clearly at the syrup this morning. ini sirup mah di tanah abang juga jual, gw sering banget minum nih sirup waktu kecil LOL.
it's his effort that i appreciate, he even use a nice plastic bag to give the things to me, bahkan gw cuma pake kantong kresek biasa hahahahaha.

mungkin gw ga ada perasaan deg-degan atau kupu-kupu di perut sebelum ketemu dia,
tapi pasca ketemu, gw seneng. i even just realized that i sing a lot on the way to the office.
gw bawa oleh-oleh dia ke kantor, dimana gw bisa cemilin pas ngantuk karena asemnya bukan main,
dan sirup yang bisa gw minum klo kepanasan, dan lagi gw bisa bagi-bagi.
and the nice plastic bag? of course i will keep it.

but now, i have some concerned.
he is a social smoker.
he always around beautiful girls.
he follows a lot of girls in social media.
he posted some pictures with girls too.
he is also a social drinker.

but he is also a funny person,
and i believe he has a good heart.
but i dont want to take the risk, still too afraid what will come to me.
gw udah cukup trauma and i dont want that happen to me again.

yeah, dia belum jadi bagian hidup gw, dan gw belum ngerasain yang gimana-gimana sama dia.
masih super biasa.
but if this is continue, i want to make sure, like really sure before i made the decision.

Hey, you ! :)

So I finally met him yesterday..
super random dan bener-bener ga direncanain.
i've been chatting with this guy and always makes me smile whenever i read his story.
a fun and tolerably clumsy person, also seems to be mature and family person.
never met him, but i feel like he's a very nice person.
and also, i've stalked him like a FBI!!
from the very first day we talked, until today! really want to know what kind of person he is, and that's why i'm not scare when we met.

the way we meet is like no plan at all.
kita chatting biasa pas gw lagi kerja, tiba-tiba dia bilang mau nganter nyokapnya di daerah deket kantor gw.
then, dia bilang mau makan soto yg tinggal ngesot doang dari kantor.
gw tanya makan sama siapa, dia bilang alone and ask me if i want to join him or not..
FYI, gw di kantor super lancai. i wasn't wearing my best clothes, plain face.
but i still said yes!
who cares.
i think, let me be myself this time, where i dont give too much effort just to meet a stranger guy, not even a feel butterflies-in-my-stomach thing.
but to be honest, i'm super excited to meet him.

so i walked to the soto place, i thought he will be waiting in his car or already went inside waiting.
but he was standing in front of the place waiting for me. that give him a point plus.
we ordered the food and sat down, and i can clearly see his face.
not my type at all, but there's something interesting about him, and i cannot explain what it is.
he's so expressive, laugh a lot, and also the one who do the talking.
i usually very quite when i met someone new.
but with this guy, i feel different. and i thought, this is a good start.

i know, i have to learn from the past.
i just know him for 2 weeks from chat, and just met him once yesterday.
i can't put too much hope on him, because he's maybe just being kind.
or don't have any interest in me.
so what i'm doing right now, just see the progress.

I hope so.

online date.

been into online dating lately.

yup, its still kinda weird for east people to use online dating because its kind of western thing.

well for me, nothing's wrong with this site and also, i'm single. so yeah sometimes this is helpful.

i'm not desperate, use this kind of site to find someone. if can't, i can use this to find new friends.

and i have been chat with several people, even met one of them.

nothing's special, they are fun, easy to talk with, until today.

someone chatted me and ask the common question like what do i do for living. before that, i did a little stalking thing and found out that he's engaged. being curious about what will happened next, i keep chatting with him..

him: what are u looking for in this site? are u looking for fun?

me: what kind of fun that you mean?

him: sex.

me: haha no

i mean, he's engaged and almost married. their pictures are so beautiful and makes me so envy.

i wonder what it feels like to be his girlfriend, knowing her future husband do that kind of things.

why ask her to marry him if he still looking for another girl?

i'm not a holy person, but i know what he do is wrong. so i decided to stop talking with him.

even i'm still very curious about what his concern, but its too dangerous to continue this conversation, eventhough he's kind of handsome and my type. but i'm not that kind of woman.

i hope his girlfriend realizes, and not too late for her to know about him.

if i were her and know about this, it will make me hurt so bad. i've been there before, and don't want to get through that kind of thing anymore.

the other one, i chat with him like non-stop and never out of topic.

he's not even my type. a bit fat, chubby, but i know he's a good person. from the way he talk to me, and treat me like a normal person.. not meeting him yet. i hope i can meet him.

he's such a fun and loving person. and if he can be the one, why not?

doing this online dating site thing has its own pro and kontra.

for me, take the positive side.

who knows this will lead you to your destiny.. :) 

perfect?

for me, 2016 so far has been full of ups and downs.

i got my new job which i kinda love and hate.

watched concert yesterday, being with my new friends.

got a date, not serious yet, but i really hope for this man.

do you think that my problems solved? NO

i still have this father that still being a hypocrites as usual.

a mother whom i love so much but sometimes still a pain in my ass.

i know semua orang tua ingin supaya anaknya perfect, 

but man, Tuhan aja tau manusia ga ada yang sempurna, i even realise that.

and i even stop searching for a perfect man.

dari kecil gw dididik dengan keras, harus begini harus begitu.

sekolah harus pintar dan rajin,

kerja jangan malas,

abis kerjain ini harus ngerjain ini.

seiring berjalannya waktu, gw semakin dituntut buat ini dan itu,

urus surat2, bayar ini dan itu, beresin ini dan itu, blablabla

bukannya gw mau ngeluh, but sometimes this is too much.

she wants me to do everything, and i've tried my best to do everything that she asked.

but still, she doesnt tolerate any mistakes.

everything has to be perfect.

if i have to compare myself with my friends,

they never do such things.

envy? yes, sometimes.

they can go whenever wherever they want,

they dont have to do this and that,

but they still have a loving family who parents dont shout too much.

sometimes, im afraid if i have a boyfriend, how will he accept my family.

having a father like that is already ashamed for myself.

having a mom who like to see the bad in people, really makes me thing twice.

yes, im a pro of western life.

they can be independent in such a young age.

no need to have permition, date whoever they want, and parents still give full support.

andai hidup semudah itu.

bahkan gw sampe bertanya tanya, gw harus bagaimana biar orang tua puas?

im tired to do things for them, but not for myself.

i deserve it too!

want to know the perks of being the first child? nothing.

old life

Somehow I really miss the old life.

Where I can have the maximum fun,

Where i can staying up till dawn and waking up late at noon.

Where I can be independent, 

do everything that i want but still know the limit of what's good and bad.

Where i don't need to ask anybody permission.

I miss going out at 11:00 p.m.

and come back home at 4:00 a.m.

Where I don't have to worry that someone will worry about me.

I miss doing nothing in bed,

watching movies all day long,

sleep 4 times a day.

I miss having a sleepover with my girls,

went to m'cdonalds at 3 in the morning to eat chicken thigh and chit chatting.

I miss waking up late at college days,

and don't take a bath at all when i go to the class.

i even miss of being naked around the house when there is no one around,

dance like a weirdo, sing in falsetta without worry about nothing!

i miss falling in love again,

getting a broken heart,

gossiping,

forgiving,

find out that your friend is a hypocrite,

pretend to like someone,

getting mad for nothing,

and having the time of my life.

i just miss the old life. 

f*cking a-hole!

sorry about the title but i can't stand this no more.
i really have reached my limit.

that asshole always shout at me, forcing me to listen to him, do everything that he want.
i f*king hate him. he's not a father for me, he's nothing.

today, he called me dog in front of my face.
i'm the one who should call him that. i should call him every animal that exist.
nuduh nyokap lah cari laki lain, gw lah dibilang anak ga tau diri.
emang dia ga pernah ngaca!

apapun yg gw lakuin buat dia bener2 ga ikhlas sama sekali.
gw harus nganterin dia reuni, duduk berjam jam dengerin mereka gosip, anter ke berbagai dokter.
coba lihat mana ada orang seumur gw yg harus ngelakuin itu semua dan gw masih dikata2in.

damn! i cant even write this blog properly.
i'm crying not because i'm sad, tapi gw udh bener2 marah. i really hope he go to hell.
he never think about anyone else.

udah tiap kali minta dianter, seringkali ngasih jalan yang salah, harus muter2 lebih jauh dan kena macet.
sometimes, kalo gw tau jalan gw sama sekali ga dengerin dia.
after that, di mobil triak2 kek org gila, ngancem mau tabok. hit me if you dare.
udah 2x gw buka kartu dia, he thinks i didnt know about the cheating thing. but he's wrong.
i told him twice about his biggest mistakes, i gave him a lot of advices.
but still, a person like that will never change.

tiap kali ketemu orang selalu bilang menderita lah, punya keluarga ga bahagia lah.
he should be ashamed! udah bagus gw ga bilang semua kejelekan dia, tapi dia jelek2in keluarga sendiri.

at least be an honest sinner than a lying hypocrites.
that what makes him an asshole. fucking asshole.
i wish he die faster so the 3 of us can live happily.
i wish his disease goes worst.
i wish he fall down while he walk by himself and hurt his head.
and i wish he go to hell.

wishing like this makes me a bitch, i know that.
tapi gw punya harga diri, i deserve to be happy too.
i've reached my limit. there's no way i can forgive a person like that.
gw bahkan jijik liat mukanya.