f*cking a-hole!

sorry about the title but i can't stand this no more.
i really have reached my limit.

that asshole always shout at me, forcing me to listen to him, do everything that he want.
i f*king hate him. he's not a father for me, he's nothing.

today, he called me dog in front of my face.
i'm the one who should call him that. i should call him every animal that exist.
nuduh nyokap lah cari laki lain, gw lah dibilang anak ga tau diri.
emang dia ga pernah ngaca!

apapun yg gw lakuin buat dia bener2 ga ikhlas sama sekali.
gw harus nganterin dia reuni, duduk berjam jam dengerin mereka gosip, anter ke berbagai dokter.
coba lihat mana ada orang seumur gw yg harus ngelakuin itu semua dan gw masih dikata2in.

damn! i cant even write this blog properly.
i'm crying not because i'm sad, tapi gw udh bener2 marah. i really hope he go to hell.
he never think about anyone else.

udah tiap kali minta dianter, seringkali ngasih jalan yang salah, harus muter2 lebih jauh dan kena macet.
sometimes, kalo gw tau jalan gw sama sekali ga dengerin dia.
after that, di mobil triak2 kek org gila, ngancem mau tabok. hit me if you dare.
udah 2x gw buka kartu dia, he thinks i didnt know about the cheating thing. but he's wrong.
i told him twice about his biggest mistakes, i gave him a lot of advices.
but still, a person like that will never change.

tiap kali ketemu orang selalu bilang menderita lah, punya keluarga ga bahagia lah.
he should be ashamed! udah bagus gw ga bilang semua kejelekan dia, tapi dia jelek2in keluarga sendiri.

at least be an honest sinner than a lying hypocrites.
that what makes him an asshole. fucking asshole.
i wish he die faster so the 3 of us can live happily.
i wish his disease goes worst.
i wish he fall down while he walk by himself and hurt his head.
and i wish he go to hell.

wishing like this makes me a bitch, i know that.
tapi gw punya harga diri, i deserve to be happy too.
i've reached my limit. there's no way i can forgive a person like that.
gw bahkan jijik liat mukanya.

pissed.

today, since this morning, my mood has been ruined.

pagi2 pas nyokap berangkat kerja, tiba2 dia telpon ke hpnya. ok, hp nya ketinggalan dan gw hrs nganter tuh hp. my mom was waiting di tengah jalan dan perjalanan gw sampai ke tmpt nyokap ga bisa cepet because of god damn traffic. gw coba ngebut, nyokap ga sabaran. pas gw kasih hpnya, not even a thankyou word, tp malah muka berkerut. ok, disana gw langsung kesel.

at home, as always, my dad bilang klo ada supir yang mau pake mobilnya. ok, so i told him i have kerja kelompok. he asked me jam berapa, i told him ga tau pokoknya siang.

then the drama started. dia ngerasa jawaban dari mulut gw nadanya super ga enak, and as always he started to yell. so i told him nada gw itu udh biasa aja dan gw emang jawab apa adanya.
dan mulailah dia ungkit2 masa lalu, bagaimana dia capek nganterin gw sekolah blablablabla, sampe akhirnya dia banting gelas yang menurut gw itu sama sekali ga perlu dilakukan. then he yelled, "gw ga bahagia punya anak sama istri, tau gitu pas bayi gw banting aja. liat tuh si xxx, biar sakit, ga punya anak sama bini hidupnya enak, cepet bae"

i'm so sick of those sentences, kenapa ga lu bilang sendiri ke nyokap klo lu ga mau, divorced will be a great choice and i definitely know who am i gonna choose. dia bilang ga bahagia??? he is the one who make himself unhappy. wasting his money for unnecessary doctor yang menurut gw cuma mau duit. i mean come on! dokter juga pasti tau apa yang harus dilakukan pasien struk. bukannya komersil suruh dateng terus biar duit ngalir terus.

i really sick about everything that he said. seolah olah dia emang udh berkorban banyak, tapi semua omongan dia bener2 bullshit. did i cry? of course. i was crying not because i am sad. tapi krn gw kesel knp hal kek gini harus terjadi sama gw. it seem so unfair. bilang gw jahat, but somehow he is nothing but dead person for me. bagi gw he is not a father. he doesn't have any father figure. he is just an old sick person that i have to take care so he can live longer. i'm sorry if these words are so mean, tapi gw udh cape pura2, cape liat dia sok merasa yg paling menderita, paling harus merasa di kasihanin. dia ga mikirin nyokap sama sekali, ga mikirin org2 di sekitarnya sama sekali. what kind of father is that.

he's nothing but a jerk. once a jerk, forever a jerk.

future.

pernah ga sih kita bertanya tanya, what would i become when i grow up?
kalau masih kecil kita dengan gampang bakal bilang semua profesi yang ada. mulai dari dokter, insinyur sampai astronot,
but as the time goes by, cita-cita ga segampang itu disebut.
ketika masuk SMA, kita harus pilih mau ambil jurusan IPA atau IPS.
after that, kita harus pilih lagi mau masuk universitas apa dan jurusan apa.
to be honest, i was confused that day karena gw bener2 ga tau hrs ambil apa, mau jadi apa, dan ga mau salah pilih.
to make it easy, sekolah bahkan kasih test bakat yang memudahkan orang2 yang plinplan kek gw
ambil jurusan yang gw ambil sekarang ga bikin gw nyesel, it turns out really good, i was having fun.

tapi gw hrs hadepin dilema lagi, skrg gw lg skripsi dan bentar lagi lulus. dan gw kembali hrs menerima pertanyaan nyokap. mau S2 atau engga? jujur, gw ga pengen S2, tapi gw juga belom siap buat ke dunia nyata, dunia kerja yang kata banyak orang lebih kejam.
kalo dari dulu boleh mimpi, sebagai cewe tinggal nunggu pangeran datang, jd ibu rumah tangga cuma leha2 doang. tapi dunia nyata ga kayak di dongeng, this is the ugly truth.

gw yang selama ini pusing krn bentar lagi mau jadi jomblo perak, harus pusingin hal ini lagi. sometimes i envy other people. they get the things they want easily. eventhough i know there are lots of hardwork. but still, there are some lucky bastards that can get things they want based on luck.

HOKI. satu kata yang cuma dimiliki segelintir orang. dan itu ga ada di gw sama sekali.

till now, gw masih bingung. what do i want to be when i grow up?

the ending?

remember Ray? we just ended our relationships, even i know we don't even start at all.

i started to think, sampai kapan gw sama dia bakal gini terus?
selama setiap hari selama sebulan gw sama sekali ga berhenti ngobrol sama dia.
but i can't see him in person. that's why i frustrated.

gw ga bisa ke USA, dia juga ga bisa balik indo.
so i decided to stop this, karena gw tau kalo diterusin gw bakal stuck. gw ngelakuin ini karena gw sama dia baru kenal sebulan, karena gw pikir sebelum terlalu lama dan terlalu terlambat...
but i like him, i really do.
i think he is the only one who can love me for who i am..

when i suddenly stop chatting with him.
he was confused and mad at me at the same time.
and i'm also confused because i don't know how to explain this to him.
so i explain how i feel through my cousins.

he understands, but somehow, it still hurt.
keadaan yang buat kita ga bisa sama2.
i even shocked when my cousin told me that he already prepared a surprise for me.
he bought me a diamond necklace.. dan gw semakin merasa bersalah.
why it has to be necklace, why not just giving me a chocolate.
dan yang bikin gw feel like a b*tch, i have to pretend that i dont know about the necklace until i get it.

gw ga bakal bisa terima barang mahal kayak gitu, that's too much!
gw bahkan ga bisa ngom apa2 pas tau soal kalung itu..
i hate myself, gw bener2 merasa bersalah.
dan gw benci kenapa dia hrs disana dan gw disini. klo dia disini, i have no doubt at all.
dan gw benci gw ga bisa ngomong langsung ke dia, semua hrs lewat tulisan.
i have never been through this kind of situation before..

Ray, kalau kita emang jodoh, wherever you are, we'll find each other back..
I wish you every happiness.
you told me to forget everything that you said, but i can't.
you've come into my life, you've been part of my life. i can't never forget everything that you've said and done for me. Thank you for everything.

true love?

I don't know how, I don't know why, but it's been so long after i have this kind of feeling...
the feeling when you fall in love with someone, the feeling when you wait for that someone to call you just to say good morning when you wake up and good night before you go to bed.
the feeling when you don't feel so lonely anymore..

the feeling when the more you fall in love, the more you feel frustrated. it's been 3 years since i have this kind of feeling.

it all started on 12 March 2015. when i decided to be introduced to someone. i wasn't thinking about it, i just said yes. let's say his name is Ray.

waktu itu tiba2 tante gw yang lagi berlibur ke USA buat ketemu sama anaknya nanya mau ga dikenalin sama ssorg.. dia kerja di restoran punya anaknya. she said that he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, loves his mother. i even asked my cousin and she said yes. she told me that he is a hardworking person.

awalnya kita cuma chatting biasa, basa-basi nanya ini itu sampe akhirnya basa basi itu berlangsung setiap hari selama sebulan. the only thing that makes me frustrated is he's so far away, we have 12 hours in time difference. everyday i have to wait until he wake up and so do he. dari semua yang berawal di keisengan, i finally start to fall in love again..

semakin gw deket sama dia gw pun semakin galau. gw ga bisa ngeliat muka dia secara langsung, gw ga bisa respon langsung sama jokes2 yang dia kasih ke gw, gw ga bisa ngambek atau marah secara langsung, i only can express my feeling through chat. I really want he to see my face when i laugh, sad or angry at him. and i also want to see his face when he see me. i just want that...

everytime i fell in love with someone, i always do all the stalking thing. but with this man, i barely know him. i dont know his friends, family or even his full name. when i finally found out that he stalked me, i blushed. i dont know why but i cant be not excited about that. he knows me better than i know him.

selama sebulan itu kita bahkan ga pernah sekalipun out of topic. meskipun kita beda umur sampe 8 thn, tapi gw bisa ngimbangin dia dan juga sebaliknya. my world really turns upside down for the last month. gw bisa senyum2 sendiri, gw bisa re-read our conversation while he asleep..

but i hate to accept the fact that everytime i say good morning, he says good night. i really hate to accept that i only can see his face through laptop screen..

somehow it just feel so unfair..
why when i finally find someone that i like, when i finally find someone that like me for who i am, it is hard for me to reach him.
not because he is out of my league, but he's out of my reach.
somehow i just close my eyes and imagine that he's beside me, comfort me, hug me..
eventhough he's not my type at all, but funny how people fell in love.

i'm stuck.
i dont know what to do.
i'm frustrated.
because we are stuck where we are.