Prayer

i always wonder, where is God when i need Him?

i always feel like God always abandon me since i was a kid.

my family is always different from others and i never feel having a normal life.

remember when i told that my dad got stroke?

since that my life always feel like in hell.

sejujurnya, gw bener2 udh ga ada respect sama sekali sama bokap.

dari kecil, yang selalu bentak2 gw ketika gw nanya baik2 adalah bokap.

cuma bokap satu-satunya orang tua yang ngatain anaknya sendiri dengan sebutan anjing, setan, dll.

cuma bokap satu-satunya orang tua yang lempar piring di depan gw.

cuma bokap satu-satunya yang selalu bentak gw ketika gw nanya. padahal pertanyaan gw berhubungan sama pertolongan yang diminta sama dia.

dan segala rasa hormat sama bokap hilang karena gw tau dia selingkuh dan itu udh bikin gw jijik banget sama dia.

satu-satunya yg bikin gw bertahan adalah nyokap.

nyokap gw adalah sosok ibu yang cukup jadi inspirasi buat gw.

dia ga pernah macem2.

dia ga pernah mengeluh.

dia ga pernah menyerah.

dia ga pernah nunjukkin kalo dia capek.

dia udh seperti role model buat gw, meskipun kadang pemikiran nyokap yang cukup kolot.

tapi setelah gw semakin besar, gw sadar kalo nyokap itu ada benarnya.

dan karena nyokap, gw bertahan sampai sekarang.

gw heran sama nyokap.

dia tau bokap selingkuh.

dia tahu bokap suka bohong.

dan gw tahu nyokap pasti ngerasa sakit hati.

tapi nyokap ga pernah ninggalin bokap. dia lebih tegar dan kuat. meskipun gw tau dia kecewa dan sakit hati.

semenjak sakit bokap menjadi orang yang cukup temperamental, meskipun sebelumnya juga begitu.

tapi semakin hari semakin parah.

dibilang sesuatu demi kebaikannya dia marah, akhirnya gw juga kesel.

ga pernah dengerin kata nyokap, dan ketika sakit dia ga belajar dari pengalaman dan tetep bohong.

gw sama nyokap bukan org yang bodoh dan gampang dibohongin.

meskipun bokap udh sering banget ketahuan, dengan bodohnya dia tetep ngelakuin hal itu.

bukan cuma itu, dia juga mikir kalo dirinya kena penyakit yang berat.

semua pasien stroke yg gw temuin, dari muka aj udh keliatan kalo mereka udh nerima takdir dan move on sama hidup. even yang udh kena selama 11 tahun terlihat sehat di mata gw.

tapi bokap, dia tetep ga terima kenapa dia bisa kena penyakit itu.

padahal seorang yang kena stroke itu harus sering melakukan terapi.

tapi dia males dan maunya hanya minum obat. kerjaan di rumah cuma tidur.

malu ketemu orang2, dan selalu nangis dan marah. juga nyalahin orang lain atas cobaan yang di terimanya..

oh God, i somehow feels like in hell in my own home.

i just got home from my vacation for 5 days. and for me, that was the most 5 happiest days in my life.

and the moment when i go home, i feel like in hell already.

lots of cry, lots of anger, lots of bullshits and lies.

i know whatever happens, i have to praise the Lord. i did.

but somehow i just can't stand the pressure.

i feel like i want to go to a place where i dont have to worry about things, where i dont have to cares about people's shits.

just care about me, find my true happiness, and living this life peacefully.

but what's life if there are not ups and downs right?

God, give me more strength.

tell me that Your plans are better than my dreams.

show me the way to solve all these problems.

remind me everyday to always praise You, to have faith and forever grateful.

life's fucking sucks

happy Good Friday people.
i don't know how to react on today's Good Friday.
i should be thankful for today right?
Jesus died for me and erase all my sins.

in the morning i feel so grateful.
grateful that i still live till today, i can be able to breath and see.
i feel so happy that my cousin come and brings her children which i miss so much.
everything is doing so well until now.

my dad's is sick
everyone at home are really tired
and my parents are fighting again.

i really need to get the hell out from this reality
need a place where i can live peacefully
need a place where i don't need to worry about the shitty things that happen in my house or in this world
need a place where no need for me to pretend to be someone else, but myself
need a place where i can laugh, smile and be happy everyday, all day long.

home should be the place for me to feel safe
the place where i could take a rest
but why i don't feel it here?
why i always want to get the hell out of here?

i know life doesn't always goes smooth
i know we have to face life
and i also know that life's fucking sucks
i don't know when this will end
how long that i have to go through this?
how long a have to be patient?

Lucky?

do you ever feel so hard to forget about someone?
do you ever feel so hard to forgive someone?

yesterday, 23th of march 2013.
i was hanging out with my high school friends at PIK (pantai indah kapuk)
when suddenly one of my friend that her uni friend is there too, karaoke-ing.
i doon't feel anything so i asked her whether she want to meet her friends or not.
she said no. and after that we went home.

pas di jalan, tiba2 temen2 gw teriak. "WOW si itu td ada di pik!!"
anyway, si itu adalah org terakhir yg membuat gw patah hati.

i really don't know what i've to say but i thanked God for that.
if we met yesterday, gw serius ga tau apa yg bakal terjadi.
apakah gw akan meledak ledak?
apakah gw akan nangis?
gw ga tau.

tapi di satu sisi, gw pingin ketemu dia
setelah kejadian itu, gw sama sekali belum lihat muka dia lagi.
i really want to see him but my brain said no.
dia disana juga sama ceweknya.
i regret and feel lucky at the same time.

my friend said that he's too afraid to see me.
i don't know if he's afraid because he felt guilty for what he had done to me, or he's afraid if his girlfriend would finds out.
i think he's a coward, a chicken.

am i already over him?
me, myself still don't know the answer.
i know it needs time, but i dont know for how long.

Everything is beautiful in it's time

i have to admit that this 2013 is totally not my year at all.
i just have a broken heart at the end of 2012, and my dad got stroke at the beginning of new year.
and when doctor diagnosed that he got stroke, i know this going to change my life forever, change my family and everything.

i am just and ordinary teenager who wants to have a normal life like others.
not because i don't love my dad. i love him, i do, i really do.
but sometimes these things are making me frustrated.

my dad, can't go to work anymore.
and for the stroke patient, they have to do some kind of therapy at home for making the independent again.
he himself, still not accept why he get the disease, but he also lazy to do the therapy.

i met a lot of people that got stroke. and i have to say that my dad still have the lucky condition.
he still be able to walk, to feel, and to eat. just his hand that still need a lot therapy to do.
but those people seems to accept the fact and go on with their life.
they're able to laugh, communicate, socialize, etc.
except my dad.

he feel so embarrassed.
he doesn't want to meet people.
everyday always whining.
everyday always crying.
everyday always mad and angry to everybody.

he become stubborn
he become so sensitive
he become egoist

i don't understand why he still not have the spirit to heal
me, myself also feel so bored and annoyed with all his whining and crying thing
and i also feel so frustrated when he shout whenever i said something for his own good.

lucky me, i go to the university. which makes me to live in the dorm for one week.
but still, i have to go home every weekend.
i feel so lucky so i don't have to face my dad everyday because i know that will making me insane.
but i feel so pity for my mom and brother.

God, when will this end?
i always want to have a happy family, healthy until they can be able to see their grandchildren.
i want them to see and attend at my wedding someday.
i want them to be happy.
but somehow, i'm not sure if my wishes are going to come true.

life's sucks. i know that.
life doesn't always smooth.
it's my choice whether to face or give up..
i choose to face this.
i believe everything will be beautiful in it's time.

The best will always go first

pernah ga bertanya-tanya, sampai kapan kita bakal hidup?

sampai umur berapa kita bisa menikmati dunia ini?

bagaimana kita meninggal?

bagaimana orang-orang disekitar kita jika kita meninggal?

kemana kita akan pergi setelah itu?

apakah kita sempat ngucapin selamat tinggal?

apakah kita sempat minta maaf?

apakah kita sempat bilang 'aku sayang kamu' sama orang yg kita sayang?

atau siapa yang akan duluan ninggalin kita?

i've just lost my super good and kindest friend.

kenapa setiap ada teman yang ninggalin kita, semua kenangan bisa muncul mendadak?

gw sekelas sama dia pas semester 1, dan kelompok gw kerja sama dengan kelompok dia untuk nyelesain tugas-tugas yang diberikan dosen.

he's not so smart, but he's a hardwoker.

dia adalah orang tersabar 

dia adalah orang yang baik

dan dia pergi begitu cepat

gw masih inget waktu gila-gilaan di mobil dia rame-rame,

dia sprint dan drift pake mobilnya.

gw masih inget kerjain tugas rame-rame ke cibubur,

dan dia dengan sabar menghadapi temennya.

gw masih inget saat dia di make up jadi banci,

dan itu foto berdua pertama dan terakhir gw sama dia.

gw masih inget sehari sebelum dia pergi,

gw nyapa dia tanpa sadar itu terakhir kali gw liat dan ngobrol sama dia.

umurnya sama kayak gw. 20 tahun.
dia punya pacar yang sayang
punya keluarga yang cinta
punya teman-teman yang setia.
kenapa dia harus pergi secepat itu?
padahal masa depannya masih panjang
cita-citanya belom tercapai
harapan orang tuanya belum tersampaikan
I don't understand why good people died first, not the other way round. It's unfair

mungkin Tuhan sangat menyayangi dia karena dia sangat begitu baik.
mungkin Tuhan ingin cepat-cepat bertemu dengan dia.
mungkin Tuhan ingin dia berada di sisinya.
the best will always go first.

may you rest in peace my friend.
i will never forget you and all the things we have done.
mungkin lo emang udah ga ada, tapi selamanya lo tetep ada di hati orang-orang yang sayang sama lo...
don't worry about things because i know that you'll be happy up there, with Father in heaven.

moving on

berapa banyak hari dan bulan yang sudah terlewat semenjak hari dimana gw ngerasain broken heart? it's been 5 months and i still not over him..

why makes him so special? what makes me so hard to forget him? and why he always on my mind and my heart after all the things he had done to me? 

until today, my tears still running down my face every time i'm thinking about him. God i miss him, i really do. in fact, i still like him, adore him, love him. i still looking up his facebook and twitter, searching if there any new photos of him, and the more i saw his pic, the more i miss him, and for me he's the most handsome man ever. but i'm also really mad at him, every time i saw his twitter and everything that he said to his new girlfriend something about love.. so mad at him that if i meet him i can shout at his face, and ask him how could he? how could he do this to me? after everything that i gave to him, my heart, my soul, my feelings.  

“Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. That pain is like an axe that chops at my heart.” - Life of Pi

until now, i'm still wondering.. i feel the love was so perfect but why it has to end up so badly? i know he's a jerk, and i definitely know he's also an asshole. then why i still can't forget him? why am i still comparing another man to him. i still feel like he's the one for, the perfect one. nobody like him. the way he walks, the way he smile, the way he touch me with his fifth finger, the way he promised me lot of things but he can't fulfilled them himself. these are the reasons that i still can't open up my heart to another man. the feeling that i'm afraid to get broken heart again, and no one like him.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving, He gave me rest. Then He gave me a sign to continue my journey." - Life of Pi

i know God still loves me, He always be there for me no matter what. but i just can't stand anymore with this pain, the pain that i'm so deep in love with him but he just abandoned me for some unacceptable reasons. i miss him so much but i don't know what to say, what to do.. i'm afraid that if can't ever open up my heart to anyone, i will no longer have feelings, i will no longer feel love anymore... i'm so afraid that one day all that i can believe is that all men are jerks. i know i have to move on, i just hope time can heals this pain, that one day i can find a man who loves me with all his heart, will sacrifice everything just for me, will do anything just for me, will try everything to makes me happy and won't let me cry. i know he's there somewhere. i guess all i can do is just wait..

I'm lost

happy late new year 2013 and Chinese new year people.

do you want to know how's things going on with me lately? well, i really have to say that i'm lost, totally.

on January 3rd, my family just found out that my dad got stroke and he is not able to do anything with the left side of his body like his left arm and leg.

of course everybody in the house has the panic attack.

i really love my dad, i really do.

i even thanked God that it all happens when i'm having semester break for 2 months. so i'm be able to help my mom to take care dad.

but, everything's change when i knew my dad is cheating with another woman.

gw ga tau siapa cewe itu dan dimana bokap ketemu dia. bahkan yang pertama kali tau adalah nyokap karena dia lihat ada sms, sedangkan bokap lagi sakit ga bisa hapus-hapus apa yang selama ini dia sembunyikan. memang sepandai-pandainya mayat disimpan, akhirnya kecium juga baunya.

at first i still don't want to believe if my dad cheats. tapi setelah gw liat sms itu, mata gw baru terbuka. gw ga nyangka kenapa bokap gw bisa melakukan perbuatan sehina itu, mengkhianati istri dan anak-anaknya sendiri. tapi melihat nyokap gw yang tetep telaten ngurusin bokap, mau ga mau gw tetep harus bantuin nyokap.

dari yang awal nyokap gw ga kerja dan dampingin bokap karena bokap belom bisa ngapa-ngapain, bokap kelihatan patuh dan dengerin semua yang nyokap ngomong. sampe akhirnya bokap udah bisa sedikit mandiri, nyokap harus pergi ke kantor dan tinggalah gw sendiri jagain bokap. dari situlah gw tau semuanya.

kemarin bokap ga biasanya nutup pintu kamar, dan gw tau dari cara ngomongnya dia telpon cewe itu. bilang ke cewe itu kalo sementara ini jangan telpon ke hp nya dulu karena sering dipegang sama nyokap. dan gw tau bokap punya rahasia lain karena tadi dia telpon entah ke siapa dan bilang kalo jangan telpon atau sms apa-apa dulu ke dia.  

what kind of father and husband is he???

dia karena sakit stroke ini setiap ketemu orang malu, selalu bilang ke semua orang kalo dia ga pernah berbuat jahat ke orang lain kenapa dia yang harus kena penyakit ini? everytime he said that, gw pengen banget teriak semua ke depan mukanya. i have no respect for him anymore and i feel so sorry for my mom. i'm the only one who know about this and i'm too afraid to tell mom. takut apa yang akan terjadi kalo gw bilang ke nyokap, tapi gw juga ga bisa kalo diam aja begini.

now i have to take care of him. gw lebih banyak diam tapi dia lebih banyak maunya. sekarang ini otaknya udah mulai pikun untuk urusan sepele seperti waku, baju, mandi, obat, makanan, dsb. tapi hal sepele itu yang terus diributin dan bener-bener mengganggu gw. kerjaannya marah-marah terus kalo apa yang dia mau ga bisa dipenuhin padahal yang dia mau sangat ga masuk akal. bener-bener egois. tapi kalo untuk urusan rahasia yang dia pendam, dia sama sekali ga pikun. gw bener-bener menyesal punya bapak seperti dia.

men will always be men huh? they always lie, they always cheat, and they only promise and promise. and we, the women, always forgive them for everything he had done to us. life is so unfair. and now, i don't know what to do about his sin. God i hate that guy! this is just the worst way to start new year.

i'm lost.